Introduction

In the west, at the start of the 21st century, more and more people are spending longer periods of their lives outside the conventional family unit. Processes of individualisation are challenging the romantic, heterosexual couple and the modern family formation it has supported. The normative grip of the sexual and gender order that has underpinned the modern family is weakening. In this context, much that matters to people in their personal lives increasingly takes place beyond the boundaries of ‘the family’, between partners who are not living together ‘as family’, and within networks of friends.

This chapter pushes at the boundaries of existing ways of thinking in the sociologies of family and personal relationships. It develops a queer analytic for the study of personal relationships, which is grounded in an appreciation of the variety of ways in which people live outside the heteronorm. Its central argument is that if we are to understand the current state, and likely future, of personal relationships, sociologists should decentre the family and the heterosexual couple in our intellectual imaginaries. Far more of people's affective life has probably always taken place outside the boundaries of the family than sociology has recognised and social change is increasing the importance of extrafamilial relationships. The first section of the chapter provides a critique of sociology for the heteronormative frameworks within which it has studied personal relationships. The second section then proposes an extension of the framework for the analysis of contemporary transformations in the realm of intimacy, arguing for the importance of a queer analysis of social change, and suggests that there is a need for research focusing on those who are at the cutting edge of these processes of social change. The chapter ends with an overview of the findings of my research on the relationship practices of those who are living and loving beyond the heteronorm.

Thinking beyond the heteronormative family

As the global success of a plethora of television series such as ‘Friends’, ‘Seinfeld’, ‘Ellen’, and ‘Will and Grace’ attests, popular culture is proving rather better than sociology at proffering stories that explore the burgeoning diversity of personal lives.