1 Alas, Mrs Nosey cannot be a ‘past mistress’ as neither formal nor informal English allow her that feminine possibility. Given Mrs Nosey's strait-laced attitudes, I'm positive she is not anyone's ‘former mistress’ in the time-honoured tradition of Nell Gwynn or even of the present Duchess of Cornwall.

2 A matter of no interest to the majority of the population, but fascinating to the Mrs Noseys of this world.

3 In tennis terms, ‘deuce’ means that the opposing players are equal.

4 There must, of course, be lady gnomes, otherwise the species would be extinct. However, it is firmly fixed in the British psyche that gnomes are male.

5 In tennis terms, forty-thirty means that the player with 40 points has the better score in the game – but can still lose the match.

6 I'm afraid the family will not allow me to refer to my son's partner, Sybil, as my ‘daughter outlaw’.

7 The term ‘maiden name’ would be more appropriate and more elegant at this point. It would also sound very old-fashioned. Maiden names, like maiden aunts, seem to have disappeared from the English language, if not from English life, some thirty or forty years ago.

8 Now why have I assumed that a boss would be a man rather than a woman?