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Play 1 - Bafana Republic (2007)

Published online by Cambridge University Press:  10 September 2020

Mike van Graan
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Summary

Sketch 1

INTERVIEW WITH THE CEO OF THE SOUTH AFRICAN FOOTBALL ASSOCIATION

The actor plays the part of the journalist interviewing hack, CEO of SAFA, as well as hack himself. It could be done so that the actor plays the journalist and uses a puppet to represent hack, or so that the voice of the journalist is recorded and the actor plays hack or vice versa.

JOURNALIST: There's been a lot of controversy about the expenditure on Bafana Bafana's coaches … We have the CEO of SAFA (on the line) in the studio. Mr Hack, thank you for (doing this interview) joining us.

HACK: Good morning, Lerato, and good morning to your listeners.

JOURNALIST: Mr Hack, there are rumours that you’ve imported more coaching staff, not just Mr Perreira …

HACK: Yes, Lerato. Thank you for that question. You see, Mr Perreira is the head coach. He gets the boys’ minds right. Then we have a bunch of specialist coaches.

JOURNALIST: Like?

HACK: Like a throw-in coach. A free-kick coach. A passing coach. At the end of the day, you can't have just one man doing all these things.

JOURNALIST: Is it true that you also have a left-wing coach?

HACK: Yes, he's from Cuba.

JOURNALIST: And a scoring coach?

HACK: We’ve hired a Somalian refugee to stand in the goals during practice.

JOURNALIST: Somalia?

HACK: We thought it would help the boys to shoot straight.

Journalist: And you have a penalty coach?

HACK: Yes, Lerato. That's how to take them, not how to give them away. In which case, we would have hired a player from the Stormers.

JOURNALIST: That sounds like a lot of coaches.

HACK: And that's not all. We also have a diving coach.

JOURNALIST: A diving coach?

HACK: Lerato, this is a very important part of the modern game, so we’ve hired someone from Hollywood's Stunts Department to show the boys how to dive in the penalty box.

JOURNALIST: That makes it eight coaches.

HACK: Nine.

JOURNALIST [bemused]: Two more and you could make up a whole soccer team of coaches.

HACK: Thanks for that comment, Lerato. Yes, we have our full quota of coaches, but we’re still fundraising for one important coach.

JOURNALIST: Which one's that?

HACK: The four-wheeled coach to take the team from the hotel to the stadium.

Type
Chapter
Information
Bafana Republic and Other Satires
A Collection of Monologues and Revues
 , pp. 1 - 16
Publisher: Wits University Press
Print publication year: 2020

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