Sketch 1

DERYA HANEKOM

The character, derya hanekom – a play on ‘Derek Hanekom’, who was the minister of tourism, and who was fired by President Zuma – is a tour guide addressing a group of visitors to South Africa.

DERYA: Good afternoon. I’d like to welcome you to South Africa on behalf of the Big Five and our president, who together make the Top Six. President RamaPoser wanted our finance minister to meet you, but I put up my hand and said ‘Send me!’ My name's Derya Hanekom and I’ll be your guide during your stay in our beautiful country. If I’m not available, then one of my [grits teeth] sleeping [normal] partners in Rainbow Nation Tours – Loshni Naidoo, Rosie September or Moses … will stand in for me.

I trust you all had a good flight? Yes, we are aware that it takes two days to get through passport control, but if you decide to invest in our country, the minister of home affairs can arrange a South African passport for you. Even two.

Please accept this little gift from the minister; it is the feather of our national bird, the ostrich. We also have an international bird … and, dear investor, it … is … YOU! You are our golden geese who will lay your investment eggs that will hatch lots of jobs.

Some of you have been asking about expropriation without compensation, and whether your investment will be safe … [Pause.] Are there any other questions?

[As if listening to a question.] Yes, you will get to see the Big Five. In fact, we have a herd of white elephants … FIFA football stadiums. They gave birth to an elephant in the room; we promised our people houses, but we gave them … football. We don't have any more young lions; they have all become fat cats. You will see a leopard at Nkandla; he's no longer the president, but he hasn't changed his spots. Despite the poaching, we do have black and white rhino, but the bruin ou is still under threat … not white enough for the past, not black enough to name an airport after. Shame.

[Responding to another question.] Yes, we are thinking of doing a township Tour.