Let's take stock. In Chapter One, we looked at why trying to control everything in our lives doesn't make us happy. We can do all sorts of things to improve our circumstances – be healthier, work on our relationships, find our ‘tribe’ and our life's purpose, accumulate more resources and so on. But no matter how much progress we make, it will never be enough. We will still be insecure: vulnerable to disappointment, loss and suffering. These insecurities are a necessary part of the things that make life meaningful – we cannot have love without loss, success without failure. We would do better to acknowledge our insecurity and work out how to live within it, rather than going to war with reality and trying to get everything in our lives just right.

In Chapter Two, we looked at the kinds of problems that come from pursuing happiness through the means of control. By trying to constantly improve our lives – be better, healthier, happier – we miss out on appreciating the things we have. By conforming to our social labels and identity, we miss out on exploring what we most care about and are truly capable of. By trying to be more secure within our relationships, either through being distant or controlling, we miss out on trusting and relying on others. By focusing on the things we can control, we miss out on the other things in life that matter.

If this is correct – that trying to control everything in our lives does not make us happy, and can end up making things worse – then why don't we see this? Why does the phrase ‘if only we had ___ then we’d be happy’ seem so reasonable? It is, after all, how most of us go about living our lives. We spend our days engaged in activity as if it really mattered – that achieving our goals and commitments will significantly change our lives. But they won’t. They will only ever be the tip of the iceberg. They might make us happier, but they will never make us happy.