Gay men stand in a different relationship to patriarchy than women in general, and lesbian women in particular. The demands of the gender binary and hierarchy require that, at a young age, boys must be indoctrinated into these demands – taking on the activities and interests of men (sharply separated from those of women – thus, the gender binary), and observing the hierarchies among men as well as hierarchies of men over boys and women. Gay love challenges these demands, and has thus historically been subject to extraordinary levels of punishment (burning at the stake). When a boy like James Baldwin fails to observe these demands, he is subject to humiliation and violence, marking his psyche, requiring, if he is to live and love as a gay man, resistance challenging the gender binary. We have now explored such resistance – both successful and unsuccessful – in various gay men, and how and why a certain experience of love across the boundaries expresses itself in such resistance.

In contrast, patriarchy tends to take less interest in women until they approach sexual maturity and marriage, demanding then that they conform to patriarchal controls as obedient wives and mothers, including controls of voice. Until that time, girls live in a world of women, and often have relationally complex relationships with one another, and, within the confines of women's space, girls are free and have a voice until they are sexually mature. It is for this reason that women often have stronger voices in resisting patriarchy than men, who experience trauma and patriarchal identification when developmentally quite immature, leading to both loss of memory and voice, the marks of trauma. The comparable demands on women come later when they are developmentally more mature, and still have voices, and can sometimes resist the demands placed on them, whether from their mothers or fathers or others. The consequence is that men, like Garrison, who come to resist patriarchy through relationships to women who resist patriarchy, often sponsor and support women's resistance voices because such voices carry the argument into areas he cannot (see Chapter 5).