This is a remarkable book: troubling, moving and inspiring. It’s a linked set of short narratives and essays, across a surprising range of topics: from a kids’ football game in the street to rape myths, to the militarisation of police services. All are connected to the three great themes of love, violence and masculinity, and their paradoxical relationship.

The book works at several levels. Kopano talks about the emotions and uncertainties of relationship, with stories from his own life and work. He thinks aloud about the practicalities of feminist work, anti-racism and men’s engagement in ending men’s violence. At the same time he speaks of capitalism, corruption and economic inequality, colonisation and racism, and the patriarchal structures that oppress women and girls – but also damage the lives of men and boys.

This is a South African book, by an important South African public intellectual. Kopano grew up, as many others did, in an ‘unforgiving environment’. He speaks of what he knows: the toxic racism of the apartheid regime, the massive economic inequalities that persist decades later, the terrifying levels of rape and murder that make South Africa one of the most dangerous countries for women and for men too. This gives urgency to his arguments. This is a discussion from which people everywhere can learn, for there is no place on earth that has yet achieved gender equality and social peace. Masculinities that are organised around power are found in every part of the world.

Reading through Why Men Hurt Women and Other Reflections on Love, Violence and Masculinity, I kept finding moments of insight that would deserve a whole book each. There are too many to list, but the reader might look out for these: boys’ and men’s need for care, and difficulty in giving it; the need for education of the emotions; the paradox of finding violence and love in the same place; the importance and difficulty of discussions about sexual consent; whether it’s possible to forgive perpetrators of violence and abuse; ‘peace’ missions that end up killing children; what fathers’ love can do for boys, and why so many men don’t offer it.