Published: Civil and Military Gazette, 27 August 1888.

Attribution: In Scrapbook 4 (28/4, p. 78).

Text: Civil and Military Gazette.

Notes: Unrecorded and unreprinted.

Don't do it! Kind Christian friends, whatever happens, don't do it as you value your peace of mind. Get a tikka – a second class tikka – from day to day, or buy a cart and a caster, and keep them in the cool of a well, using them stealthily at night.

I only wanted something to move about in – a bathtub on wheels would have suited my purpose admirably. But I demanded four wheels – that was the fatal mistake. I never knew before how strong is the current of public opinion in an up-country station.

“Four wheels!” said Botcherby. “What on earth do you want with four wheels. Beastly affectation I call it. Here! Much better buy my dog-cart. Seven feet high, black lacquer, red mare – carry you from one end of the station to the other in ten minutes, but you mustn't cough, or smoke, or take off your hat, when you're behind her. She's nervous, but as good as gold.”

“Thank you, Botcherby,” I said meekly. “I have religious objections to driving any animal. I always manage to hurt their feelings.”

“Huh!” said Botcherby, “better get a bassinette then.”

“The very thing,” I said. “I will procure a bassinette.”

Then Botcherby drove his ramping red devil of a mare all round the station to spread the news that I was suffering from paralysis brought on by evil living, and required a padded carriage and a keeper.

Sigala was the next torturer. “You must get a Lavengro bassinette,” he said, “and be sure that it has a swingle-gaff dissel-boom.”

“Amen,” said I; and went to the Equine Emporium trying to look as if I knew all about it:– “Lavengro bassinette please, and be sure it has a swingle-gaff dissel-boom,” I said.

The proprietor looked at me reproachfully. “We can build you a Lavengro bassinette if you insist upon it,” he answered; “but I feel it my duty to inform you that a hind-lock quarter-bar is the only absolutely safe appliance, and I should be very sorry of the public knew that this establishment turned out swingle-gaff dissel-booms.”