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I struggle every day. I struggle to get up and even make myself food, and so I skip meals quite often.

Published online by Cambridge University Press:  25 April 2023

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Summary

From a very young age I was getting Disability Living Allowance (DLA). My mum received the payments until I turned 16. I struggle every day. I struggle to get up and even make myself food, and so I skip meals quite often. I can’t really explain what sets me off all the time. Sometimes it can be the most random thing. My brain is always 100 miles an hour and I can’t think straight. I can’t just take any job – even the thought of it gives me really bad anxiety. I can’t do a sales job. I’ve tried. Every day I went there I was breaking down.

Eighteen months ago my DLA was stopped, and I had to go through a Personal Independence Payment (PIP) assessment. I was asked a lot of questions about whether I needed assistance. It felt like I was being classified as physically disabled, rather than mentally. I wasn’t asked any questions about how I get through everyday life. There was one point near the end where I started to have a panic attack because I was being asked questions that I wasn’t comfortable with. I had to do some equations, which I struggled with and stressed me out. I started panicking and crying, and the assessment had to stop. When I got my letter back from them, they said I was completely fine in the interview and didn’t have a panic attack. They completely lied about what happened in the assessment.

A friend got in touch about an editing job in a photography studio. Most of the time I’d be on my own, so I could concentrate on what I was doing, which is good for me. Socially interacting with people is a massive struggle. It was zero hours, with no sick pay, and work wasn’t guaranteed. Some weeks I wouldn’t work at all, and my pay would just cover my rent. I was only doing one day a week to start off with, and then it went up to four days. Swinging between extra work and no work, my health started to decline, so I had to tell my boss that I was getting really stressed out.

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Invisible Britain
Portraits of Hope and Resilience
, pp. 76
Publisher: Bristol University Press
Print publication year: 2018

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